Presidential Letters

I was stretched out in bed the other night with the gift of sleep evading my every notion. For some strange reason I began thinking of the U. S. presidents. I ran through the names that I remembered, those being surprisingly more than I thought I could remember. The first few that stumbled into recent memory were the “famous” ones as well as the ones during my lifetime: Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, Roosevelt, Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush, Clinton, Bush, Obama. Then a strange notion crept into my skull. Of those aforementioned fourteen, seven ended with the letter ‘n.’ Half! I had to look into this!

The following morning I awakened and sprinted (exaggeration: stumbled to get some coffee, fed the cats, etc.,) to the computer. I made a list of the presidents and examined them with my expert eye. Here’s what I discovered.

Of the last names of our forty-four presidents, sixteen ended with the letter ‘n!’ What does this mean? I suppose our country has an affinity for that letter closing out a name. Perhaps that changes the odds for the 2016 election. Hillary has a much greater advantage in sealing the Democrat nomination given these scientific results that have just been set before you. Come to think of it Joe Biden also has a chance, but he’s getting a little long in the tooth these days. But then again, Reagan was no spring chicken.

The Republicans have their selection. John Bolton (former U.N. ambassador among other things), Dr. Ben Carson (though I’m not sure America would elect someone who is as smart as a neurosurgeon, which is what he is), and Mark Everson (the former IRS Commissioner!!! Oy vay!) Do we rule out Sarah Palin?

What if I simply slapped an ‘n’ at the end of my name? Nope. Too closely related to “moron” I suppose. However, it could be argued that the American people have elected a moron or two to that esteemed office.

What’s also strange is that of the five presidents with last names ending in a vowel: Monroe, Fillmore, Pierce, Coolidge, and Obama, there is only one that isn’t silent. Obama. The others simply have an ‘e’ hanging on doing nothing except take up space. I’m actually in the same boat on that one. If this short trend continues, Mike Huckabee might have a chance. Or maybe George Pataki. Or even Marco Rubio who boldly pronounces BOTH first and last name ending vowels. What courage! Chris Christie doesn’t count. He couldn’t leave the ‘i’ well enough alone.

I’ll stop now because none of this matters. If you read this entire “piece,” I’m so sorry.


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